You will hate me for saying this. You may decide you never want to read my stuff again. That is okay because I need to say this. And there is redemption.
For the third or thousandth time, starting to lose count, admission of addiction. Doing what you don’t really want to do but being drawn into desire and giving in to it. An acceptable addiction, even glorified by decor surrounding the special place in the kitchen. Even special vessels used to take in the drug of choice.
I don’t begin to understand the scientific explanations of addiction. But I do know the crippling effects of it. I do know the pull. I do know the overwhelming desire to have that which you hate but want but don’t.
Yes. It is confusing.
Paul seems to start talking nonsense in Romans 7.
If you hate what you are doing and you know it isn’t beneficial for you, why are you doing it? If I pour myself a cup of coffee or two or three every morning, knowing the only reason I really want that coffee is for the caffeine, I am addicted. Yes, I said it. Addicted to coffee. Addicted to caffeine.
Go ahead and roll your eyes. I can’t see you so it won’t bother me. Well, it might because I want approval, but that is another blog.
You fill in the blank of coffee or caffeine. Do you have something in your life that pulls you in and you really don’t want to do it? I will go ahead and admit another one. Social media scrolling. Reels. Quick bits of funny, sad, educational, inspirational, crude, scary, ridiculous time wasters, etc.
Once I start, it is hard to lay it down. When the dark liquid hits my blood stream I feel the jolt of energy. Shifting from neutral to second. Skipping first. A little faster in second. Arriving quicker at third and fourth. Until the hum of full throttle allows me to settle into the ride at just the right speed.
And isn’t that with any addiction? Any idolatry? Anything we are using to replace the full satisfaction we have waiting for us in Christ?
That jolt allows me to focus. Focus on scripture. Yeah, give me the buzz so I can worship God. I told you that you would hate me. I turn the coffee on before I start my worship.
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 (NASB)
I started typing this post a week ago. Each morning, I grabbed water to sit beside my chair during my quiet time instead of coffee. Drinking water while drinking living water. I don’t need the coffee first thing. It is a gift to be able to hold that warm cup each morning. Feels good to my old hands. But I don’t want it to be the first thing I grab each day.
This is my conviction, not yours. Unless you are and then that is on you, not me. This is my confession of having an addiction to caffeine. This is my line in the sand. I no longer want to be addicted to it.
I want to fuel my day reaching for God. Settling into His rhythm. Allowing Him to be the sustainer of my energy. Not replacing His perfect provision for an incapable substitute.
So my head has pounded and all I want to do is sleep. Even have body aches that weren’t there before. Classic withdrawal symptoms. So I have increased my water intake.
This isn’t the first time I have given it up. But this older body is feeling the effects a little longer than before. I miss the warm mug. Maybe warm lemon ginger tea could warm my hands in the morning.
After I sit a while with God.
